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Post by Meds on Jan 17, 2018 12:09:54 GMT -5
DeSoto;
With a final growl, Nanouk then (mostly) composed herself. She downplayed how important it was for DeSoto to talk to her, glaring at him all the while. He thought about correcting her, about pointing out that it meant very much to talk to her, but then she continued speaking and he held his tongue. She answered his question, if you could call that answering, though she mostly only highlighted how she didn't know how he made her feel. DeSoto planted his hind legs more firmly in the water, listening as she finished. He was starting to get chilly, but he didn't want to leave the pool until the bulk of the conversation was done.
So basically, she didn't know what he meant to her or why he made her feel the way she did. DeSoto could relate to that. Nanouk made him more confused than he had ever been in his life, though he wasn't even sure why. What was so special about this female, that she should be able to torture him so?
"I'll admit that I have to agree with you..." DeSoto started. "Not about being frustrating, though I suppose I have my moments—about the confusion. I do not know what you mean to me, either." He wanted to express just how tormented he felt in her presence, but he wasn't sure if he could articulate it properly. It must have been a first. "When I met you, I knew the way of the world, and I knew my place in it. Now all of a sudden, that view is being shaken to the ground." Hadn't she even asked what made him evil, once? That was his most defining personality trait, and she had questioned it as easy as breathing. "Around you, it's like... it's like I can't breathe, but my lungs are full. It's like the weight of the world has been simultaneously lifted from my shoulders and dropped on top of them. It's—it's angering. Maddening. Wonderful."
DeSoto stopped talking rather abruptly, for he had only just realized all that he had said. He masked his face perfectly, making it appear that he had planned everything he said, but inwardly he had no idea what had just happened. For lack of anything else to do and to fill the silence, he waded to the edge of the water and hopped out, gave himself a shake, then settled down a safe distance from Nanouk, always watching.
"I've never been able to speak openly with somebody before. Never in my life. I've also never been in the habit of surrounding myself with wolves who questioned themselves and their company. It's—this is new to me."
He hoped that his last words somewhat covered up the blunt intensity of what he had said moment before.
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Post by Calypso on Jan 17, 2018 13:38:14 GMT -5
Nanouk;
He admitted that he didn't know what she was to him either. In a way, she felt kind if relived by this. It almost made her confirm that she wasn't a fool. If he actually had known what she was in his mind and she didn't, then she would have felt stupid. But, luckily, both of them were clueless. Like young, naive teenagers, both of them were confused and didn't know what they were feeling. Nanouk felt as though she could act without thinking, feel without questioning, and look at a wolf who anyone else would see as dangerous and see them as something more. In a way, it seemed like Desoto was worse off than she was, but he had been raised and trained to not feel emotion or see other wolves as anything but pests unless they benefitted him. All of this was more different for him than it was for her.
She then heard his description of what it was like for him when he was around her and she froze. She...she almost felt like she had heard this before. Why did his words almost sound familiar to her? She then began to have thoughts, ones that were similar to what he was saying but not quite.
Around you, its like...I can't breathe, but my lungs are full.
"Around them you can breathe, but looking at them takes your breath away."
It's like the weight of the world has been simultaneously lifted from my shoulders and dropped on top of them.
"You feel like everything is taken off you, yet you still feel it heavily weighing you down."
There was no way. She knew where those words were coming from. She suddenly remembered exactly where her thoughts came from. She heard almost those same things before, only it was someone else saying it.
It...it was father...telling Nina how he...how he felt about mother.
At once, her wide golden eyes locked on Desoto. Her eyes were full of surprise, curiosity, too many things to list. There was no way. The two of them had only ever met twice now. They hardly knew each other in the sense that they were really only acquaintances. There was no possible chance that either of them felt that way...was there? She didn't know anymore.
When he said that he's never spoke openly with others or put himself around wolves like her and that it was new to him, it only made her thoughts worse.
She turned her gaze away, embarrassment going across her face before she did so. No. I refuse to believe it. Unless he told me those exact words, I won't believe that. Her face became stern, even though she was still full of doubt. She pulled herself up from where she was laying, sitting on her legs and wrapping her long tail around her. She looked at him with a nearly expressionless look, but it was obvious that it was forced.
"You've never met a wolf like me, one who has feelings and feels things that you don't. You've probably never had a wolf that made you think this much, so it's expected that you feel off. Honestly, there was only one thing I could think of that would explain why either of us feel the way we do, but the chance of it is very unlikely." Throughout her speaking her voice varied, at some moments seeming doubtful while others it seemed confused.
Desoto can't actually feel that way. He was trained not to feel. He wanted to be the way he is. A wolf like me wouldn't change that.
(She knoooooows! She just doubts it. I can't wait til he figures it out XD)
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Post by Meds on Jan 17, 2018 17:28:09 GMT -5
DeSoto;
When he had spoken his piece, Nanouk's eyes widened in their sockets. DeSoto could see her pouring over the words he had said, rehearing them, registering what they did or didn't mean. —and what did they mean? DeSoto only wished he knew. It was driving him to the brink of insanity, just trying to figure out what all of this meant. His chest felt as if it was crushing in on itself and he didn't know why. Every time he thought about or looked at Nanouk in any way deeper than a conversation, he felt the ache. He half-wondered if that pain was emotions. He hadn't felt anything true in so long, save perhaps frustration; but even that feeling didn't go so far as to pass into anger. DeSoto had had the emotions literally bashed out of him, and the only thing he could think of that would be causing him so much pain was their slow return.
But he didn't know what he would be like when ruled by his feelings. He always judged wolves so harshly when they felt things like love, fear, or anger. It made them weak. It made them stupid. Of all the fights DeSoto had fought, and there had been a lot, the easiest to win were always when his opponent was angry or frightened. It caused them to make foolish mistakes that he, the level-headed and wiser beast, could see plainly in front of him and avoid. But now the playing-field was shifting. His confidence had returned in pieces, it was true, but he was still lost in a ring of confusion.
Nanouk said that there was one thing she could think of that made them feel such things. He could only assume that meant that she, too, related to the description he had given of how she made him feel. He almost asked her what that reason was, but his logic took over. Did he even want to know? What if simple knowing opened him up for an even wider range of hostile and unfamiliar feelings and circumstances? —but was ignoring it any better? He would have argued yes, but even throughout the season where he hadn't seen her, every time the gold and black female came into his head, the pain returned.
A growl escaped his lips then and he looked away, swinging his angled head with such force that it might have made him look angry; though he wasn't. "What good is knowing or guessing," He said after a minute or two, a barely-audible crack highlighting the last word. "You and I are wolves of reason—smart, intelligent. That was what our entire first conversation was; a lilting ring of logical challenges and witty replies." He bit down on his tongue until he tasted blood. For some reason, saying all of this out-loud wasn't making him feel any better. "Don't tell me what you think the reason is, unless you know. I have no time for guesswork, and neither do you. Guesswork does nobody any favors. It will put ideas in our head that are not based in fact, and confuse us all the more."
He surged upward, and began pacing back and forth in agitation. "Let's just go back to our initial way of being. A conversation. That's why I felt so intrigued by you in the first place—you were the only wolf I'd been able to talk to." Talking was worth much more than feelings and guesswork. Talking had merit, talking was sureâeven if the conversation didn't go anywhere in the end, it was the getting there that mattered. He didn't even know who Nanouk was, really, save a scrap or two about her past. Anything he was feeling, and he had an ugly suspicion as to what it wasâwas nothing until they knew one another. He wouldn't admit to, guess on, or hope that it was anything more than confusion. DeSoto's eyes flashed and he stopped pacing, then sat down by the pools edge and looked inside. It had all been so care free for a moment—even flirtatious, if that was indeed what had been happening. But now it was all mixed up again. He just wanted to go back. "So talk to me." The growl was slightly more evident in his voice now, though he was not being threatening. "Tell me something."
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Post by Calypso on Jan 17, 2018 20:35:50 GMT -5
Nanouk;Throughout his rambles and confusion, the dark female remained silent. Her face showed no real reaction to anything he was saying. Her eyes almost seemed glazed over as if she heard what he was saying but wasn't really processing it, even though she was. Honestly, it may have even seemed like she wasn't listening or was so lost in thought that she didn't fully comprehend what he said to her; similar to what happened to him the first time they met before he ran off. But inside was different. Inside she was like a mirror image of him: crumbling. Falling apart on the inside as he spoke. Seeing his sudden movements of presumed anger and hearing his words that snapped in her ears was making her stomach drop each time and made her feel like she was sinking. He was true about the two of them being intelligent wolves who were witty, yet continued to tell her that she shouldn't say what she thinks the answer is unless she knows it is true. He even said that guessing about what was happening to these two wolves was just going to cause more problems. But when her mind recalled their first meeting, she realized this to be true. Throughout almost their entire encounter she had been using guesses and clues and hints to find out more about this male and test him. If she was honest, she felt as though that was what brought the two of them to where they were in the first place. She didn't know whether that was good or bad, but, judging by the way he was acting, it wasn't okay. Her eyes turned away as he spoke again, stating that the reason he was interested in her at all was because he could talk to her. In a way, that was already a fact in her mind. In yet...hearing him say it straight out almost made a part of her crack. She didn't know what it was or why she felt that gut-wrenching feeling when he said it. Maybe she was slightly disappointed and that was all it was. She doubted it. She knew she did. But everything she was thinking went against each other all at once, testing her in what she thought was true, what was true, and what she believed to be true. It was getting to be too much. She laid her head on her paws, letting out a sigh at his last comments flecked with a growl. What was there to say? What did he expect her to say? Was there really anything she could say without it going in a full circle and coming back to this? The only way to ever stop what either of them were thinking or feeling would be to just leave and never see each other again, but it was evident that neither of them wanted to do that. He had said that he thought about her when they didn't see each other, and she couldn't deny to herself that she had thought about him a lot too. She had a general idea as to why, but she refused to believe it, even though it was most likely true. She couldn't think about him that way. Just like he couldn't think about her that way. He was emotionless, she was a loner, possibly a soon-to-be pack-wolf, and both of them were from different alliances. When they met those alliances meant nothing to her, and, in a way, they still meant nothing. But she had to face them now. After she had met with an eager she-wolf who intended to start her own pack, these alliances were coming forward strong. Her eyes remained glazed over and locked on the water for a bit of time, not even thinking of what to say to him. "Admit it. Whatever both of us were is starting to crumble, " she whispered, unsure of whether he heard her or not. Really, she didn't know she said it, so there was a good chance that he hadn't heard her. Either way, she wasn't paying much attention. Finally, something snapped her out of her daze. Who knows what it was? Maybe she had just remembered that she was still with a wolf who wanted an answer from her. She lifted her head again, looking over at him, slightly more aware now. She thought for a moment, hardly as long as she normally would, before speaking. "Did you turn out how you wanted to?" Perhaps he didn't know what she meant, so after a moment she clarified. "Last time...you said that you willingly trained under wolves who got rid of all emotion and a certain way of thinking. You said you wanted to be like them. Did you achieve your goal?"( 801 words! That's the longest post I have ever made on this site! I guess Desoto and Nanouk bring out my novelist side XD)
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Post by Meds on Jan 18, 2018 12:43:29 GMT -5
((Yaay! ^^ ))
DeSoto;
Her silence was all-consuming. Was this how she felt whenever DeSoto did not reply? He watched her eyes glaze over and could have snarled in frustration. Real, true frustration. Or was it something more? —was he angry? Was this what anger was? Or was it fear? This time he did snarl, but he did so while turning away so Nanouk would have no way to confuse the gesture as meant for her. It was completely at and to himself. His mind was spinning out of control. As soon as he got a grip on it, off it would go again. Literally mere minutes ago it had been friendly and playful. He had thrown himself of a cliff, for goodness sake. And yet here he was.
Her voice brought him back, and his head snapped around to face Nanouk. She said that both of them were starting to crumble. DeSoto backed up a few paces. So it was clear, then, what was happening to him. The cracks he could feel sprouting inside of him were clearly visible from the outside, too. He was falling apart—and the most frightening thing was that he couldn't stop it, he couldn't hold himself together, and he didn't know what was coming when he finally broke. But this wasn't who he was. In reality, he didn't know who he was—but if he was becoming somebody else, he didn't want to enter into it confused and angry.
He shook his head in mute silence at Nanouk's words, taking steadying breaths and managing to regain some slight measure of composure. His snarl had been the only sound he had made outwardly, but that was as good as a scream from DeSoto. He carefully tried to lower himself back into the safety of what was known, and closed his eyes. It was quiet for a bit, and he was able to stop the spinning of his mind; or at least slow it down some. Again, her words brought him back. He opened his eyes slowly, keeping them angled at the rock below.
"Did you turn out how you wanted to?"
He almost laughed. If she had asked him that a season ago, he would have said yes. Of course. He was exactly how he intended to be. He had nothing pulling him back, he had a goal in mind, and he was in a place of relative safety. But now? Did he even know anymore?
"I—" His voice died in his throat, cut off by the growl overtaking his words. He swallowed heavily. "I had thought so. But now I'm not so sure." His voice hardened slightly. "So forgive me if I seem a little bit shaken—but I literally don't know what's happening to me." Near-black eyes hid the pain that was spreading from his chest to the rest of him. He kept his head bowed, fighting the ache, trying not to look at her.
He did know what was happening, he hadn't been fully truthful. He knew what was happening—he was losing his training, falling by the wayside, becoming weak like all those around him—he just didn't know why it was happening. Except he had a guess on that, too. It was so clear that it was Nanouk—but why? Why?! His mind was picking up speed again. His forehead knit together and he dug his claws into the muddy rock below him. He snapped his eyes closed, but even that wasn't working to calm him or slow the spinning. The crushing-pain in his chest was mounting. He was surely going to break from the inside out.
Then, the tattoo on his chest flared.
He threw his head up towards the sun, but it wasn't a normal howl that ripped from his throat. It was Siren. The sound was so loud that it would cause a headache to form in Nanouk's mind. It was so loud that suddenly the ripples of the pool, previously flowing towards them, changed their course and began travelling away. DeSoto was of course, immune to his own siren. But it was loud. So very loud. Before he had even closed his mouth, he launched forward. He closed the distance between them in a heartbeat, then collapsed in front of Nanouk, whose head was on the ground. He came so close to her, with his own head on the ground, that their noses touched once more. His eyes were still closed, but at least the siren had stopped. His tattoo faded. He lay still, breathing heavily, nose-to-nose with the wolf who had just hurt. And there he stayed.
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Post by Calypso on Jan 18, 2018 13:51:26 GMT -5
Nanouk;
He was angry, frustrated, confused. It was evident in every action and every word he stated. He had snarled during her silence, she saw that he backed away when he apparently heard what she herself didn't realize she said, and he was fidgeting a lot. It seemed that these actions triggered after she had mumbled about them both crumbling. When those two things together went through her head, she discovered a major part about Desoto that he likely knew of perfectly well in that moment.
He doesn't like change...it scare's him.
Perhaps scare wasn't the word for it, but it was the first thing she thought of. She looked at him with aware eyes now, realizing just what was happening to him. There was something about her, or something she said, or maybe even something else entirely, that was causing him to change and he could feel it, causing all of this anger. She also now, after realizing this, found that she wasn't helping. She was making it worse. Her ears pinned back against her head, looking at him with a feeling of almost sympathy.
He had answered her question, in a way. He thought that he turned out how he wanted, but now doubted if he really did. He was confused, and it was making all of it harder on him.
Suddenly, the mark she had seen the first time they met began to glow. He through his head to the sky and let out a howl, one louder than any she had heard in a long time. A ringing went through her ears and a small portion of her head began to hurt. But the more he howled the more that pain spread until her whole head was hurting. It wasn't Ann unbearable headache, but it was still painful. She covered her ears with her paws, even though she knew they wouldn't help her very much. When she opened her eyes again, she saw him jump towards her, falling to the ground in front of her. When he had finished howling and had stopped moving, their noses were touching. It sent a chill down her spine, but she ignored it. She merely looked at his face, not a muscle in her body moving except the rise and fall of her chest.
Without fully realizing it, sadness, or maybe just realization, went across her face. At first she thought that both of them were crumbling, but now she saw that she wasn't the one truly changing. She was used to change, used to facing whatever came across her. He wasn't. He wasn't across wolf of change or taking chances. He was the one who was really cracking, not her.
She didn't know what to say to him. She didn't know how he felt. She didn't know if there was any possible way to comfort him. At that moment, there was only one question in her mind. She only hoped that he knew the answer.
"Am.....Am I the reason that you're breaking...?
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Post by Meds on Jan 18, 2018 14:12:05 GMT -5
DeSoto;
"Am.....Am I the reason that you're breaking...?"
Was she? How was he to know? The easy answer was yes. But was it the true answer? The right answer? And if so, why? Why?
DeSoto kept his eyes closed as she spoke, but her voice sent a flinch through his body—or was it a shiver? He clamped his eyes shut all the more, refusing to look at her and let her see him in that moment. This was vulnerability. This was fear—or was it confusion? Anger? Sadness? He didn't know. DeSoto had no reference point of knowing. It was torture. He pressed himself forward, still on the wet, muddy rock, and leaned forward so their noses pressed together more tightly. In that moment, that contact was the only thing that was real or true.
"Isn't it ironic..." Came a whisper from his mouth. His ears perked, for he hadn't even planned to speak out loud. "Isn't it ironic that the wolf ripping me apart is also the one holding me together?"
But what did it mean? There were so many questions. DeSoto stayed still for a long moment, then pressed up, finally opening his eyes, and turned his back on her. He sat, gazing out over the summer landscape, feeling the mist from the falls, hearing the trickle of the pools as they passed from on to the next. He stayed still for so long that it might have appeared he had no intention of ever moving again. But slowly, slowly, those angled and powerful shoulders slumped slightly. DeSoto's navy head dipped, and he stared at the pool inches from his claws, eyes wide. His chest rose and fell softly, and the silence was broken only by the sounds of water and a single song, from the only bird that hadn't been frightened off by his call. Then, adding to the quiet, natural chorus, came a choked laugh.
It had no humor, no joy. DeSoto had laughed in such ways before, but never at himself, and never with a feeling of such loss and pain behind it. "What must you think of me," He said, his voice croaking uncharacteristically. "Like a pup fighting over its own emotions. Emotions—" Another scoff-like laugh. "I don't even know what those are. I don't know what I'm feeling. I thought I would never have to feel this way." He turned, meeting her eyes, only now feeling a touch guilty about losing control and causing her the headache that he could see in her face. "I don't know what any of this is." His voice was not so helpless as it had been when he started, but confusion was laced in every syllable. He wasn't so much asking for help, as asking to be understood. He was falling to pieces, yes, but it wasn't so much Nanouk's doing as it was his own. A normal wolf might have taken what they were feeling, and though perhaps unpleasant, it wouldn't have put them in such a state. But DeSoto was new to all of this. It was the sheer fact that he was feeling anything that was frightening him. He couldn't put it into words exactly, but he hoped she understood, and more than anything, he hoped she knew it wasn't all because of her.
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Post by Calypso on Jan 18, 2018 19:14:02 GMT -5
Nanouk;
His words hit her hard. Saying the first thing that he did, she instantly assumed that the wolf he meant was her. When she played his words over in her head, the phrases that she had remembered before came back. What he was saying once again reminded her of how her father once said similar words about her mother. She had to face it, but she didn't want to. She wasn't used to this. Nanouk had always been a loner; she tended to avoid other wolves and having close relationships that could hurt her. But now she was facing two of the exact things that she had avoided all this time: a pack and a romantic interest.
She felt his nose pushed more firmly against hers but didn't move away. Despite her avoiding of other wolves, all her life she had been a sucker for physical contact with other wolves, which mainly developed from sleeping next to her parents and her older siblings when she was a pup. In a way, she kind of got that same feeling from Desoto. Comfort. Even though recently he had been very frustrated, confused, and conflicted with himself and her, she still felt safe knowing that there was one wolf that she could potentially trust most.
He turned away then, his back facing her. He sounded off and it was obvious. Because of how he naturally was, this tone, almost hinted with shame, came through in his voice. His laugh held nothing of meaning behind it and he sounded as if he was pathetic in her eyes, which wasn't true. She went back to one of their first conversations. She had called him weak for being forced to become the wolf he was, when he proceeded to say that he did so willingly after a while. He was strong. She knew he was. The only thing she could think of now was...
If he really is as strong as I think he is, he can get through this. But...
When he turned to look at her again, her expression hadn't changed. She still had a slight headache, but that wasn't her main concern right now. Her golden eyes were locked with his own navy. For once, she began to think. She wanted to find something to say that would help him without just blurting out whatever was on her mind. That was what he had wanted, wasn't it? For her to think and be witty or meaningful like she had been when they first met?
With a sigh, she lifted her head, looking down at his still-resting head but never lost eye contact. "I get it. You got rid of emotion when you were young and don't know what to do now that they are trying to come back." She glanced down at the ground for a moment, fully taking in what she was going to say, hoping that it was as truthful as she wanted it to be. She then looked back at him again. "Desoto, I want to help you. If...if you don't want to let the emotions come back to you..and you want to remain the way you were...then I won't encourage them. I can...just...leave, I guess. Or find a way to make you forget them." Her eyes then seemed to become more alert as she spoke again. "But...if you want to test these emotions, or at least somewhat let them come back, or even just slowly let them come back entirely...I want to be the one that helps you do it. I...I don't want you to go through this alone, if you choose to let them somewhat come back to you."
She leaned her head down next to his, pressing her nose into his muzzle between his nose and his eye. She left it there for a moment, but soon pulled back. If he decides that he wants to go back to the way he was, I can't do anything that would encourage them. I'm not going to do anything like that unless he decides otherwise. She didn't know if that was what she wanted, but, for once, what she wanted wasn't what she was focused on. Desoto was her main focus.
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Post by Meds on Jan 18, 2018 21:08:09 GMT -5
DeSoto;
When Nanouk met his eyes that second time, it wasn't what DeSoto had expected. There was no judgement there, no scorn. He withheld another humorless scoff. Scorn. See, he could identify emotions on other wolves. He was an exceptionally good reader of his company—it was just when the emotions were in his corner that it was confusing and tormenting. He sighed, the sound clipped, and stared into her eyes as she straightened and looked down at him. She validated what he was feeling, quietly, and unassumingly. DeSoto stayed motionless as she continued speaking. His heart stuttered slightly as she took a breath and told him she was willing to help him. She said she wanted to be the one who stood by his side while he figured everything out. He stayed frozen, as still as stone, but his brain had leapt into overdrive.
She would stay? Beat. He wouldn't be alone?
But then she suggested something unthinkable, that if he didn't want her and wanted to stay the same—the same lifeless, cold, over-calculating wolf that he had come to be—then she would leave. DeSoto missed whatever she said next directly, because he sat bolt upright. "No," He said simply, eyes narrowing in on her face. It wasn't that he necessarily feared being alone—he was designed for it, after all—it was that as she had uttered that phrase, he suddenly feared being alone without her. He shook his head. "Don't go."
He settled back down to the stone below as she said the last bit, and suddenly Nanouk's nose was resting against the top of his snout. As had happened up in the top pool, his mind went pleasantly blank. What had he been worried about? What pain in his chest? And then she pulled away. DeSoto took a shaky breath. He sat up next to her and faced her, un-speaking, eye-to-eye, and almost nose-to-nose. He held her gaze close at hand for a long, quiet moment. Then a light smile, innocent and much calmer, flashed his teeth.
"I don't want you to go anywhere," His voice was the barest of whispers. "It would be an honour if you helped me through... Whatever this is."
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Post by Calypso on Jan 18, 2018 22:15:13 GMT -5
Nanouk;
Throughout the time that she spoke she had been watching him, waiting to make sure that he fully registered what she had said. At first she assumed that he was just listening because she said she would help him. It was when she had suggested her own absence in his current life that she saw a dramatic response. He had sat straight up from where he was laying before, telling her not to leave. Her eyes went wide and her ears perked, staying silent for a moment, before she had continued speaking.
After she was finished, he seemed to take in everything she said calmly. He then sat up once again after having resting again. He had locked eyes with her, their noses nearly touching once again. In a way, his eyes were calming. Unlike her own, which were the same bright golden color as the stripe that ran the length of her body, his were dark and mysterious, appearing black in certain light but clearly being the same navy blue as his pelt in other light. They had an effect that her eyes couldn't do, just as for him her golden markings against her dark pelt made them stand out and glow more. She almost felt like she could get lost in them, remembering their first interaction, their playful nature in the higher-ground pool, and how she had thought about him during their time apart.
She knew what was happening to both of them. Unfortunately, as much as she didn't want to believe it, everything that they said to each other and all of their actions were only confirming true what she thought to be false. She wasn't going to tell him that unless he asked, but it remained in her mind the entire time that they sat their looking at each other.
While being lost, she almost didn't hear him begin to speak, but caught it, even though it was only a whisper. She then realized that not only had he said yes to her staying with him, helping him, and not leaving, he was smiling. It wasn't large or overly dramatic in the case of smiles, but it was something she hadn't seen from him. She had seen mischievous smirks, she saw the small smiles that had no meaning, but she hadn't seen this one. This time it was a genuine smile. Her ears pinned back against her head and her eyes remained wide, the skin of her face under her pelt flushing a light red, though it wasn't as if he could see it. She felt her tail flick a few times and there were chills that traveled down her spine in many directions.
She then decided to make a decision that she was unsure of. She had thought it over multiple times within those seconds that they remained silent. She wasn't sure if he was ready for it, but she would offer it up, and if he decided to take it, then she would humor him. If not, she would brush it off and find somewhere else to take it.
She slightly leaned her head forward, the very ends of their noses touching, but not as much as when he had flopped over in front of her. "I know that you said that, as intelligent wolves, we don't have time for guesswork. But...just as a start, do you want to know what I believe is happening to both of us? If you don't want to know then I will keep it to myself." Her eyes were thoughtful as she stared at him, her initial shock of his outburst during her suggestion of her leaving, as well as him agreeing to have her by his side, almost gone now.
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Post by Meds on Jan 19, 2018 0:25:18 GMT -5
((I’m in my phone, please forgive any typos!))
DeSoto;
Nanouk stared into DeSoto’s eyes for so long that he wondered if she would ever surface again. No female had ever looked at him like that—no wolf, really—much less given him the time of day. But who was he kidding? Most often it was him that pushed his company away, and not the other way around. But the fact remained that to be so close, so vulnerable, so truthful... it was an all new experience for DeSoto. As he smiled, though he almost didn’t even notice it was happening, suddenly Nanouk’s ears perked and her eyes widened. He heard a small intake of breath as they stood so close in front of each other. Behind her, DeSoto heard the tell-tale swish of her tail through the air. His own ears perked. Then, Nanouk leaned forward and pressed her nose to his once more, though this time it was different. It was not flirtatious, as it had been up top, and nor was it desperate, as it had been when he had done it. No, this one was different. It was soft. Gentle. DeSoto’s nose was full of the scent of her, both confusing and calming. Her nose was cold against his, and he felt a tremor trickle through his body, like a wave travelling under the water.
She brought up what he had said about having no time or use for guesswork. He pulled back slightly, parting their noses, but only so he could look at her more easily. His eyes shadowed for a half moment, and then he nodded slowly. He had to remind himself that this thing, whatever it was, with himself and with Nanouk would not happen over night. It would be difficult. Strenuous. But he tried to tell himself it would be easier with her alongside him. It was with this in mind, that he agreed to hear what she had to say. The way she had worded it was perfect to pull him in. She had said ‘as a start’. DeSoto was no fool, as perhaps Nanouk knew better than many—and therefore he knew that this change had to start somewhere. Piece by piece they would work together, and chip away at the shell around him. Hopefully he wouldn’t lose himself in the process, but if the fates were good, he would find a bit more space to breathe once some of the armour was gone.
”What, Nanouk?” He took a few breaths to remind himself to stay in the moment. This was all part of the plan. Piece by piece. ”What do you think is happening to us?” But the way she had phrased the question made him wonder if he didn’t already know. What was happening to him was rather clear—even Nanouk had referenced his change multiple times. But she hadn’t said what was happening to him. She had put them together in a group. What was happening to ‘us’, she had said. This only meant that there was common ground between them. DeSoto wasn’t sure how much more ‘new’ he could take in that moment, but something about the female before him made him want to keep listening.
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Post by Calypso on Jan 19, 2018 6:15:11 GMT -5
Nanouk;
In all honesty, she didn't want to tell him. It wasn't that she didn't want him to know what was happening, she just didn't know if she could handle it being said out loud, nor did she know if he could either. Maybe its too early to actually tell him...but I can't go back on my word now. He already agreed, which is a surprise for him. She had almost expected him to say that he didn't want to know, but maybe it was the fact that she was there to help him change how he thought that made him agree.
She let out a slow sigh, preparing herself for what she was going to say. She didn't have to think about it, she already knew what she could say, but it was still difficult. Once the sigh was over, she closed her eyes for a moment, gaining control over her heart which had started to beat faster without her realizing, before she opened them again and locked eyes with him as she had before.
"In my mind, there is one of two things. Either one: you are starting to see me as a friend, but I'm supposing you've never really had an actual one that you could open up to, so its making you feel this way for the sheer fact that its different. The other..., " now was where she was unsure of herself, debating whether or not she should say it at all. But she needed to. She needed to present him with his options and, if one of them were to be correct, he could try to work with whichever he felt was going on. "Or you're starting to see me as more than a friend, maybe a romantic interest. I don't know for sure what either of us are feeling, but the things that you have told me...the lungs being full but not able to breathe, weight taken off your shoulders and thrown back on them, the tearing you apart and also keeping you together...I've heard almost those same words from another wolf before. When that wolf was saying them, he was talking about his mate...who he loved."
As her little speech broke off, she still felt the skin under her fur burning and the chills going through her. She could only hope that both of them could take this news openly and not be panicked by it. She had too many things to think about at once, yet, with Desoto around, she felt that concentrating on just the two of them was more important. She wanted to help him and help herself understand. Perhaps they weren't meant to be romantic interests together, but if that was how all of this turned out, in a way, she was glad that it would be Desoto rather than some other wolf.
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Post by Meds on Jan 19, 2018 13:02:04 GMT -5
DeSoto;
DeSoto listened calmly as Nanouk explained that she had guessed they were becoming friends. This wasn't as bad as DeSoto had thought (thought he wasn't even sure what he had thought she was going to say), and it helped to relax him a little bit. Friends wouldn't be so bad. He had crossed that territory before; of course, not in the easy way this seemed to be going, but close to it. He had had litter mates, companions, even partners once upon a time. A life of training would have been rather dull without at least one close acquaintance—but they had never considered him a friend, nor he them. This was new. One sharp ear flicked down as he considered her words, only then realizing that she had offered up two options. His eyes flicked back to her face suspiciously, though he had asked for it, and so he prepared himself for whatever she was about to say next. ... ... A romantic interest?
He froze, face becoming mask-like once more. His first thought was no. No, he didn't want that. That was weak. Love broke wolves and made them do stupid things, even sacrificing themselves for others. As interesting as that sounded, the blood-deep training that his Alphess was the only one he would die for, began pounding away inside of his brain. Of course, DeSoto had had desires before. He had watched his female comrades as they trained, occasionally even wondered if such things were possible for him—but he had never taken that final step. And nor had any of those instances been pure, or even very nice. But this was something new. Completely new, like nothing he had dealt with before.
His eyes, completely blank, went back to Nanouk—though he still said nothing. Was this even something he wanted? DeSoto tilted his head very slowly, keeping Nanouk in his eye line. She was certainly agreeable—and they could talk to each other, there was no doubting that. But did that make a good mate pair? Mate. Even thinking that word sent cringes through his body. He wasn't there yet. It was so far removed from anything he had known before that it was like an unreachable dream. Not only being self-aware enough to make such a thing work, but also being that in-tune with how another wold's mind worked. Sure, he was a fine reader of character and thought, but in a romantic way? In a family way? Could evil wolves and neutral wolves even host such ideas together? Even more serious still, could DeSoto even be a respectable evil wolf if he developed feelings (whatever those entailed) for a non-evil wolf?
He scrunched his eyes closed once more. He needed to get over this. This new wolf, the hesitatingly unsure one, the bashful one, the frightened one—DeSoto already hated him. As he had already decided, if things were to change, he still wanted to be himself; or at least have some memory of who he used to be. No matter what else his training had done, it made him who he was that day. As disagreeable as Nanouk may have found him, the original version of himself, the cold and distant one, had still peeked her interest. Their initial conversation had been so good. It had made DeSoto thirst for more. But what now? He could barely even keep a sentence going without pausing for a rush of feelings to course through him. Was that even normal? Did every wolf go through this? It just seemed like so much extra effort; and besides, he wasn't even used to speaking so much. Oh, to know what he should do. The pain in his chest was now nothing compared to the pain in his skull.
"I can't prove nor disprove that theory." He said, trying to say something halfway-intelligent. He decided that his best bet was to go for something based in logic, rather than feelings. His words were cold, but that was only because he hadn't yet discovered how to properly inflect his speech. "Because I don't yet know what that would mean. I've never even had a friend before, let alone anything else." His eyes reopened and flicked to her face. He didn't want to frighten her off or hurt her—he knew that much. "But that isn't to say that I wouldn't necessarily like it—if that were to happen." He sighed, wishing his smooth voice would just lilt or even change pitch. "I just don't know how."
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Post by Calypso on Jan 19, 2018 21:06:07 GMT -5
Nanouk;
She watched him take in everything she said. She knew that this stuff would be hard for him to understand. He was new to emotions, friendships, even seeing other wolves in a different, more personal way. Each time his expression changed, especially after she mentioned the romantic interest part, she knew that many things were going through his mind. She couldn't help him there; whatever went on in his head was for him to sort out. She was trying to help him overcome his...fear? Or lack? His resistance to change as a whole. She didn't want to change him as a wolf, but opening him up and having him at least see things in a different light while also being himself was her goal. How she would accomplish that, she didn't know, but she had to try. For his sake, and for her own.
When he finally spoke, she knew he was having trouble. She knew he was conflicted. She let him finish before she said anything else. She was actually surprised about his one comment, the him possibly enjoying that sort of thing if it ever happened between them, but she didn't show her surprise outwardly. But she began to consider how to go about this.
Even though her main focus was him right now, she had some of her own conflicts going through her head. She turned her head away, unsure of what to do. Her face itself showed hints of confusion and sadness together, her eyes locked on the ground.
What am I suppose to do? Not too long ago I was offered a position in a new pack, even being one of the wolves that helped it start. And now I've agreed to help the wolf that I...see as a friend? Like? Love? I don't know. How am I suppose to choose?! She let out a sigh, wishing that these sort of things were easier. Without even realizing it, the end of her tail began to lightly lift up and thump against the ground, slowly getting faster in slight more irritation. Her eyes closed tightly, her brows starting to twitch. How could I choose!? I think I want to be in a pack, but I want to be with Desoto! Her thoughts froze for a moment. Did she really just think that? I...I don't know what I want. She then thought one thing that she almost regretted thinking, something that went against what her whole goal of this meeting was. All of this would be extremely easier if I tried to get Desoto to become neutral!
When she thought this her eyes opened quickly and went wide. Now she felt like Desoto did. She wasn't used to making decisions like this, nor did she enjoy it. A sudden look of anger crossed her face as she stood from where she sat, she turned and seemed to walk towards Desoto, but instead walked passed him towards the pool, her pelt brushing against his own as she walked. She walked right into the water, walking towards the area where it fell from the pool above. She put herself under the water as it fell, forcing her to calm down. She remained in the water for a moment, making her thoughts die down. She then turned, walking back out of the water, not bothering to shake out her pelt, but rather stood there near the cliff, looking down.
"Trust me, you're not the only one who is struggling..." She looked over towards him, her eyes half blazing half emotionless. "I want to help you. I want to be by your side. But I know that me constantly being around you is only going to make all of this harder to deal with. Both of us have other things that we have to focus on as well, not just each other. You are evil and a part of Frigid Plague. I am neutral and..., " Should I tell him? "And I may or may not be a part of a pack soon."
Almost as if her instincts told her to, she walked towards him, pressing her forehead against his neck and standing next to him. "I don't want you to be alone. I don't want you to have to deal with whatever your feeling by yourself." She remained in that state and that position for a little while, allowing herself to calm down, before she pulled away, lifting her head to look at him directly. "Regardless of alliance or pack, I want to help you. If you would only wish for us to be friends just so that you can see what it is like and find out how to deal with just friends, then I am perfectly willing. If you did want to...I guess...experiment with this idea of romance...then..., " she let out a quick sigh, bringing a bit of confidence back to herself, looking at him more clearly now. "Then I would still be next to you. If that is what this turns out to be and you are open to the idea, than I will make sure that I do everything I can."
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Post by Meds on Jan 19, 2018 21:31:15 GMT -5
DeSoto;
After his latest bout of 'confusion and then resolution', DeSoto was feeling a little bit better. He was starting to be able to see himself again, even with the feelings. It was as if, when he pictured himself in his mind, there were all kinds of colours swirling around him, like visible wind. Some of them were bright and jolly, some were dark and dangerous. The idea was that all the colours were emotions, and even mere-minutes ago, trying to see himself in the midst of the colours had been impossible. They had filled his vision and his mind, blocking out anything else. But now, when he closed his eyes and pictured himself, it was as if the colour-wind was starting to shift, flowing around and through him, rather than overwhelming him. Even that simple visual image spoke volumes.
He opened his eyes again in time to see Nanouk staring at the ground, confusion and hurt reflected on her face. DeSoto watched her quietly, some part of him worrying and fearing that it had been him that had hurt her—but he had spoken the truth. He could only hope that she was able to take it with some sort of grace. His eyes followed her as she got up and strode to the smaller waterfall, ducking under it and freezing under it for a few moments. When she was finished whatever she had been doing, she walked back towards him, pelt dripping, and when she started speaking again, he met her eyes.
Ah, so she would be in a pack soon, would she? Last time they had spoken she was very much a loner, if he recalled correctly. DeSoto lifted his chin slightly as he continued to regard her. Then she continued on for a time, saying things that both made logical sense, and that made him feel that pain in his chest again. When she was finished, she suddenly pressed her forehead into his neck. He allowed his eyes to close at the contact, staying completely still. It wasn't entirely unagreeable.
Then, he stepped forward, coming to rest inches from her.
"Being friends isn't the ending that I want to this story," DeSoto said smoothly, angling his head downward and looking into her eyes, playing to more colourful language than he was accustomed to. He did not brush noses with her again, but they were so close that he could feel her breath. "But I will have to work at this. I'm evil, cold, emotionless—it's all I've ever known. Think of me as grey, and emotions, you, all the rest, as colours. I can't just change my colour in a day, Nanouk. But I can learn." It seems that was the way he was headed, anyway.
He didn't mean that he didn't want to be evil anymore—he was relatively sure that's how he wanted to stay—but trying to fight the tumult of emotions that were suddenly everywhere seemed like an uphill, doomed battle. DeSoto was nothing if not logical, he would be the first to admit it, and even he knew when he was beaten. But he was not broken. He was determined to keep hold of himself—even a more colourful version of himself—and if he was also able to catch hold of Nanouk in the process... well... all for the better.
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